Self Esteem

Stacye > Self Esteem >

Low Self-Esteem is not an “all or nothing” concept. Most people experience times of low self-esteem because typically we have all had an experience in childhood that creates the little “hot buttons” in us. Often when one of those “buttons” is pushed we might act outwardly in anger, or we might withdraw in anger. The level to how often this occurs and how intensely we respond can tell us just how low our self-esteem might be. THE GOOD NEWS IS….YOU CAN INCREASE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM….YOURSELF!

Low Self-Esteem typically develops in young childhood when possibly a significant caregiver, such as a parent or teacher, or a peer has been highly critical, neglectful. Often low self esteem symptoms can sometimes appear dormant and may manifest later in life through abusive relationships or when a person experiences chronic pain or illness.

Parents can help to create self-esteem in children by not only being less critical but less invasive and directive. Often parents are over-protective or over-bearing which creates more dependence in children and robs them of the opportunity to try and fail and try and succeed. Parents typically want to keep their children from experiencing any pain. But in doing so, a parent can take away a child’s opportunity to learn consequences, healthy coping skills and the ownership of trial, error and success. Sometimes this type of parenting can lead to learned helplessness in an individual. Which can further lead to depression.

Some Symptoms of Low Self-Esteem include:

A constant feeling of dissatisfaction in life - You might find that you want things that seem to be out of reach. You may notice when you obtain the things (material goods, jobs, people) that you have wanted the feeling of satisfaction does not last. Some describe this as “the empty hole” in them. Focus your energy and attitude on being grateful for what you do have right now.

Often spending time worrying about the future or regretting the past – Not living in the present moment can be a sign that one does not feel as if they deserve to enjoy the happiness of what is happening “right now”. If you find your mind wandering into worry or regret, stop and concentrate on your breathing and focus your aliveness in this moment.

Sabotaging your own success – People with low self-esteem may often come very close to success and then at the last minute do something to throw it off track. Make a conscious effort to notice how you are sabotaging your own desires.

Using negative self talk – Putting ones self down, making comments either out loud or in your mind such as, “I can’t ever”, “I don’t deserve”, “I have nothing that…” “I always… or I’ll never”. Becoming aware of negative self talk is the first step to changing the behavior.

Avoiding intimacy – Typically, the inability to have intimate connection comes from the fear of rejection and the belief or feeling of that one is “not good enough” and if this fear is realized, the person believes they will not be able to “make it” or “go on”. Take note of how deep or intimate you are able to be or not in relationships with others.

Staying busy…appearing successful – Often those who are very busy (whether in career, at home or social life) have low self-esteem. Having to stay busy is a way of avoiding being alone and a way to create a sense of purpose. Extremes on either end being too busy or too lazy can be a sign of low self-esteem. Are you seeing a pattern here? Having respect for ones self makes it easier to live a balanced life.

Addictions – Addictions show up in a variety of forms such as food, alcohol, shopping, gambling, sex, drugs, or relationships. Addictions manifest because one finds that it temporarily helps them to feel better. Only the “feeling better” is much like the temporary “satisfaction” mentioned above. Self esteem can be increase when one chooses to accept and not avoid the painful times in life and cope in a healthy way by learning what thoughts, feelings and actions brought on the pain and then focus on learning what needs to change in the future and then take action. Take heart, this is not an easy process but certainly worth the work!

Overly critical towards others- If you find yourself being critical of others (about anything) on a regular basis, you likely have low self-esteem. Those who do not see themselves as worthy or likeable will often accuse others of not being good enough in some way so that they create a measuring stick where they rank higher than the person they criticize. Pay attention to when agitation, irritation, annoyance or anger at someone behaviors or character traits comes up for you. Remember that more than 95% of the time your feelings say more about you than they do about the person you are irritated by.