Intimacy Issues

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What is Intimacy?

In relationship, intimacy can be defined as a close, deep, thorough, loving and personal relationship with another. Typically, relationships that are intimate might include a spouse, significant other, best friend and occasionally, an extremely close family member.

Are Sex and Intimacy the same?

No. Sexual acts with a partner can be a form of intimacy. As relationships are complex, so is intimacy. Here are five types of intimacy vital in creating and developing an intimate relationship:

Intellectual intimacy - This isn't about discussing highly intellectual ideas. The important thing is discussing and revealing your thoughts. They may be thoughts about food, finances, health, crime, work, or politics.

Emotional intimacy - Feelings are our spontaneous, emotional responses to what we encounter through the five senses. (ex. I see you in physical pain and I feel concerned or you hold my hand and I feel loved or important). Sharing emotions builds emotional intimacy.

Spiritual intimacy - Often the least explored of marital intimacy, this type of intimacy has a significant impact on the others. Being available to hear a partner talk about their inner spiritual self or reality or being able to express those beliefs to a partner create spiritual intimacy. Understanding is the requirement, not agreement.

Physical intimacy - Because people are different we often approach sexual intimacy in different ways. Often, one partner’s (commonly male) emphasis is often on the physical aspects—the seeing, feeling, and climax are the focus of his attention. Whereas, another partner (commonly female) approaches sexual intimacy with more interest in the relationship. To feel loved, appreciated, and treated tenderly brings great joy. Sexual intimacy requires understanding and responding to these differences.

Social Intimacy - Much of life involves doing, when couples do to things together, they not only experience a sense of teamwork, but also enhance there sense of intimacy.

What Am I Doing To Prevent Intimacy In My Relationship?

There are a variety of ways to prevent intimacy from developing in a relationship. Often, one who finds intimacy scary or challenging does not feel emotionally safe in the relationship. In childhood, the way we learn to attach (or not to attach) with our primary caregivers shows us to what level we can trust others in our lives. If our first messages were those that sent scary or ambiguous messages about relationship, it is often difficult to relate to others in a safe and healthy way. Depending on what your early messages were you might find yourself using one or some of the following behaviors to avoid intimacy:

“When my partner tries to get too close to me, I often respond by….

Making jokes
Walking away, leaving for a period of time
Become defensive or angry
Cry or see myself as a victim
Initiate sex (yes, even this can be an avoiding behavior)
Say I am too busy or make myself too busy
Act as if I don’t understand what my partner is saying
Say I am tired or feel tired
Intellectualizing – giving a lot of fact and figures about information, talking around the topic
Telling myself it is more polite to listen….so I’ll just listen and not talk or share my thoughts.