Parenting

Parenting is the ultimate learn-as-you-go endeavor. And few parents have more than a vague notion of how they’ll do it until they are doing it. But parenting style matters—not just because it affects the way children turn out, but because it affects your relationship with them.

There are many ideas about how to rear children. Some parents adopt the ideas their own parents used. Others get advice from friends. Some read books about parenting. Others take classes offered in the community. No one has all the answers. However, psychologists and other social scientists now know what parenting practices are most effective and are more likely to lead to positive outcomes for children.

Ideas about child rearing can be grouped into three styles. These are different ways of deciding who is responsible for what in a family.

THE DRILL SERGEANT (AUTHORITARIAN)

The drill sergeant parent is the parent who pronounces “its my way or the hi-way.”   They expect orders to be followed in a swift timely manner, leaving little room for error.  This parent is highly structured, often employing schedules and daily routines that must be followed or dire consequences will follow.  The drill sergeant parent has strict rules and standards of conduct that are often enforced with little warmth or affection.  Moreover, criticism is doled out much more frequently than praise.  They tell children what to do, attempt to force them to obey and offer little to no choices.  This sends the message that children can’t think for themselves so the drill sergeant will do the thinking for them.

Drill sergeant parents typically offer little explanation for the reasons they want certain things done in a certain way.  The response is “because I said so.”  These parents tend to focus on the bad behavior rather than positive behavior. 

Obedient children follow the rules for fear of what will happen if they refuse.  Disobedient children will push against the rules attempting to establish their autonomy in unproductive ways.  The motivation to follow the rules is an external motivation rather than an internal one.  Children of drill sergeant parents have difficulty making decisions for themselves and communication with parents is strained and often avoided. 

THE HELICOPTER PARENT (THE RESCUER)

Helicopter parents rush to prevent any harm or failure from befalling their children or letting them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children's wishes. They are so named because, like a helicopter, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not. In Scandinavia, this phenomenon is known as curling parenthood - describing parents who sweep all obstacles off ahead of their children. This parent hovers over children and rescues them from the hostile world in which their children live.

This style of parenting offers a message of weakness and low personal self-worth to their children.  It emphasizes that their children are incapable of solving their own problems and therefore are not responsible for the problems. 

A helicopter parent thinks that love means rotating their lives around their children. These parents hover over their children and rescue them whenever a problem arises. You might be a helicopter parent if:

you are forever taking forgotten lunches, homework and permission slips to school,

are always rescuing your kids from jams they've gotten in,

you find yourself on a daily basis protecting your kids from something, usually something that could have been a well-needed learning experience.

Helicopter parents are always on guard waiting to swoop in and protect their child from teachers, playmates and other "hostile" elements they may encounter. While helicopter parents may feel that they are being loving parents by easing their child's pathway into adulthood, these kids are generally ill-equipped to handle college, work or adult life. By hovering and bailing their kids out, they fail to prepare their kids to meet the challenges of the real world.

THE CONSULTANT PARENT

Consultant parents guide their children to solve their own problems by giving loving support rather than answers and quick fixes. They share the control and decision-making. They express sadness and sorrow instead of anger, frustration or worry when children make mistakes. They set appropriately high expectations. They allow empathy before consequences to do the teaching for misbehavior rather than punishment. They ask good questions instead of give lectures and criticism. They use encouragement- not praise. Consultant parents teach their children how to think instead of what to think. They give their children the foundation and skills to become the heroes they are destined to be.

Consultant parents offer options suitable for all involved and then allow the child to make the decision…allowing the child to ‘suffer’ the natural consequence of the decision.  The child then lives with the consequences of the mistake when the price tag is affordable. These parents encourage their children to make decisions so they get lots of practice at it by the time the really high stakes decisions need to be made later in life. Consultant parents are great role models and never tell their kids what to do. Instead, they tell their kids what they will do as parents. They offer choices to their children and let equal parts of empathy and consequence do the teaching.

Parental Planning

Brent has experience in training many families and educators throughout the country on effective parenting and teaching.  Brent uses core principles on a family by family basis, tailoring an approach to better assist families and their unique parenting needs. 

Brent can guide parents on how to "lock in their empathy, love, and understanding" prior to telling kids what the consequences of their actions will be. This principle allows the child to see their parent as the "good guy" and the child's poor decision as the "bad guy." When done on a regular basis, kids develop an internal voice that says, "I wonder how much pain I'm going to cause for myself with my next decision?" Kids who develop this internal voice become more capable of developing personal responsibility.

What more could a parent want? Isn't that a great gift to give your child? Parent child relationships are enhanced, family life becomes less strained, and we have time to enjoy our kids instead of either feeling used by them or being transformed from parent to policeman.

 

What can Parental Planning with Brent Dawson do for you and your family?

• Provide a consistent structure of support and offer innovative strategies and approaches to help you reach your parenting goals.
• Offer professional objectivity, experience and confidentiality that you may not get from a family member or a friend.
• Explore opportunities to bring out the best in yourself and your children
• Help you realize your strengths and expand your thinking
• Put fun and joy back into parenting

 

Parental Planning is not therapy or counseling. It is a custom tailored model to help parents work through the growing number of ordinary parenting struggles in daily life and find solutions, unique to your family, which can be sustained for the long term.

Why Does It Work?

• Uses humor, hope, and empathy to build up the adult/child relationship
• Emphasizes respect and dignity for both children and adults
• Provides real limits in a loving way
• Teaches consequences and healthy decision-making

 

Links:

www.parenting.com

www.parenting.org

www.loveandlogic.com

 

Recommended reading:

How To Raise Kids Who Make Responsible Decisions When Nobody Is Watching

by Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D.

Parenting with Love and Logic

By Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay

Love and Logic Magic: When kids leave you speechless

By Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D.

Quiz to tell you what type of partent you are:

http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/threetypes.html